We are enjoying a quiet moment. You are scratching me on that special place on my chin, and I am putty in your hands. Yet tomorrow morning, as you shamble about the house in your customary stupor, I will spring from the shadows and sink my fangs into the soft, fleshy part of your calf. And we will laugh, oh how we will laugh!
You have done something that perplexes me greatly. Now I must bathe.
You have activated the surface of many dancing photons. I am grateful, for when I stand in front of it my skin tingles in agreeable ways. I do not understand how this can vex you so.
It is a hot summer day and you have left the window open for me. I take this as a kindness, yet the opening is still covered by deceptively strong metal filaments in a fine woven mesh. Outside the idiot squirrels mock my frustration with their banal commentary and feckless scamperings.
I am on one side of the door and you the other. I cannot reach the latch, but am confident that by repeatedly striking the lower part of the door, first with one paw and then the other, we will be reunited before the year is out.
You have permitted them to implant a microchip. Was house arrest not enough?
I have done something that bewilders even myself. I must bathe again.
You have placed your hairbrush on the lavatory counter. I calculate that it has potential energy directly proportional to its weight and the height of the counter. To spare you further anxiety I will reduce this energy to zero.
I have ascended to a commanding height. You have a bald spot.
Much of what you choose to feed me is unpleasant. Do not think for a minute that words like paté, banquet, savory, fancy, medley and soufflé, alone or in combination, suffice to mask this unfortunate truth.
Each morning I see you enter the chamber in which torrential rains are a frequent occurence. Your voluntary submission to its manifestly damaging properties strikes me as quasi suicidal. Yet in this, as in so many things, you pay me no heed.
I know you are aware, courtesy of the surface of dancing photons, of my relatives who roam unchallenged on the plateaus and savannahs of faraway lands. Perhaps you have admired my cousin Leo, with whom, as with all my brethren, I am in constant telepathic contact. You might consider more appropriate salutations for me than “hello li’l kitty.”
It is well documented that I can jump 3 to 4 times my height from a seated position. You have seen me do it. It seems to me that you have difficulty exiting the couch.
I am suffering a terrible ennui. Time for a bath.